What I meant...

Fall

I have been drunk since
summer, sure you would
come to sift the waves
until they flaked like
diamonds over our flanks.
I have not moved.
even when wild
horses, with snouts like pigs
came to violate me,
i squatted in
my baptism.
O hear the sea
galloping like stallions
toward spring.

- Sonia Sanchez, Under a Soprano Sky

Same ole same ole...

You would think after a year, I would be somewhere different...welp, no...still delivering some personal shit...still loving the same person, by default...haven't found someone quite like him, do I want to is the question? Am I giving him too much power?...His style, personality, and mystery kills me til' this day. It is always in his hands...but truly I believe we will move forward, just need for him to realize, I see him differently then the usual, I SEE HIM DIFFERENTLY. Yeah, I can be intimidating, but I'm intimidated by YOU.

"I knew me when I was with you"

Goodnight...or is it good morning...

Love Shield

You know I love you
You don't know what Love is do you?
So now you run from Love
Though it's all you ever think of
Mistaking Money for Love
Honey for Love
You're always running from Love
Never rising above

After all the Games you play
You're walking on the edge again
It must be lonely
So lonely
Even after all you feel
You throw it all away for real
You got a Love Shield
Love Shield

So here we are
Heart to Heart
And so apart
What are you afraid of?
You're living in the Pain of Love

After all the Games you play
You're walking on the edge again
It must be lonely
So lonely
Even after all you feel
You throw it all away for real
You got a Love Shield
Love Shield

All the little things you couldn't control
When you were a little thing
And now you're old. . .
And Cold
Your Heart is Cold.
Confide in me
Come hide in me.
"Lay on my Breast
Relieve your Chest
And I'll do the rest"
Love is the best.
Hard to believe, it's all you need
I can't wait until you see. . .
You've got a Love Field
You've Love Field.

After all the Games you play
You're walking on the edge again
It must be lonely
So lonely.
Even after all you feel
You throw it all away for real
You got a Love Shield
Love Shield

5.8.2011

Mother's Day...I was so blessed to have two mothers...one may not have been the "traditional" mother, but she is my birth mom and I love her for being herself.My second mother means the world to me...the one who taught me everything I know today and still continues to teach me...a gift God sent to me at a time in my life that I needed her the most.

Just finished talking to her, and I feel a little defeated. She wants me to go to church...*sigh*...there is nothing wrong with church, but my faith/church aren't one in the same...my faith in GOD...has nothing to do with my attendance to church. 10% tithing was brought up...where was this said, in the bible...and who wrote the bible?..."man"...and some way, shape, or form...I will slowly conformed to writings in the bible, because I do believe in its "advices"...but just the thought of being forced to go to church seems a little elementary to me and takes away from the real reasons of worship. My faith is religious to some point, but its more spiritual. Faith lives within me...man can and will not falter my faith...LIVING POSITIVELY should be the way of life...because the bible says so should not be the reason...your soul should always seek the greater good in people.

Sometimes I conform to some of the advices in the bible, because let's face it, I was raised in the Baptist culture...I have told many people that, I don't want to have many partners before marrying my husband, because I feel like I'm taking from him the gift of his wife being pure and only for him...and then I was asked, what if your husband was once gay, on drugs, or had many partners? Would you still marry him and I said "no". This thought has sat with me since then...standards. Are standards and love two of the same? No...Then why do I put them together...if you don't meet my standards then I can't love you...does that sound like a person of love or positivity or growth or forgiving? No...Realizing this will probably save me from losing out on a gift given from God and I thank God for this realization.

The LIFE God has given us teaches us about unconditional love. Faith in God will get us through life using love, if only we could let the spirit of God (love)guide us.


TO SELF:
Spread Positivity & Be Positive

5.2.2011...5.3.2011

Late...just woke up...insomnia...sleep don't come easy...I think thoughts keep me up...will try to relax mind and head to sleep a.gain.

TO SELF:
Spread Positivity & Be Positive

5.1.2011...Vinyl

New vinyl!!!...lovely, weekend was a success...Hello May!...*CHEERS*

To Self:
Spread Positivity & Be Positive

4.28.2011

Thursday, 28th day of April in the year 2k11....it was the usual. Met many nice young ladies last night, which was a blast...

Ever so much do I notice the excuses people come up with to help out their psyche, stretching a little or becoming imbalance for the sake of others is deep and selfless. Naked...in front of millions...pointing, laughing, ridiculing all your flaws...after that, "what is left?"...you become the strongest person in the room or vicinity...grasping the concept...POWERFUL. But most rather join with others who are clothed, guarded, hidden...things are more affluent when naked.

Music has always made me feel very naked...and open...in moments of ecstasy...flush of the skin, hardened of the nipples, glazing of the eyes, movement becoming fluid...breathing rapidly...realizing love is here...in the melodies, beats, vocals...true love...the gift of a musician is magical and very spiritual.

ADDICTIONS...come from disappointment of the human species...we, animals, humans...possess love...the evil negative notion is the villain...superhero, love...constant battle. Believing in people...their "good intentions" have been lost in our world (society)...flesh-like situations or possessions has the control...

THE CURSE or blessing...realizing this? Dreams...read into them...analyze them...that's the other side.

TO SELF:
Spread Positivity & Be Positive

4.26.2011

Today....lukewarm. Work was the usual grind and cool down. Went to an African dance class which was of course...AMAZING!

Mind was pretty relaxed and on chilled mode...NEW HIT: VIKTAR DUPLAIX...luv musique...

me...woman...flaws...beauty...feelings within...developing like anticipation...confidence is showing with every finger twitch, every movement of my shoulders, turn of my head, sway of my hip, flex in my back...hmmmmm, it feels good to be me...wo.man.

Moments notice.

TO SELF:
Spread Positivity & Be Positive

Hi Again...

Lately, I've been avoiding my blog/diary...because I kinda lost myself in the hoopla of other people's world...and trying to save everyone...and falling for a dream...which was the focus of my blog/diary for a long time...a long time....now that I have gather my thoughts due to less entertainment of the outside world....i.e. television..I have plenty of time to think through some of the decisions I've made this month, which were not in my own opinion..."educated", but we all make uneducated decisions..a.gain...learn from them and don't hit that repeat button. While away...in never never land....I realize a lot of people are lost, confused, and extremely passionate about being lost/confused....if that makes any sense...why is it always easy to say one thing and do another?...constant contradictions....realizing the problem, but are we taking the necessary steps to handle or implement the solution? Finding ways to point it out loudly...to take attention from self...self reflection a.gain is hard...and some may never grasp the concept...*ignorant bliss*...it feels good...just knowing and not acknowledging the "knowing"...but turning your head.

Other works, I've read...entertaining,yes...but also great inspiration/insightful advice that encourages me to continue the journey of self reflection...ADDICTIONS...should I make a list of ALL my addictions...well I'm not there yet, but I have realize what they are...now the decision sits with me to actually act on my findings...approval of myself...is what is really important...me, the mirror, vision of me...living with me...dying with me...so no approval from the outside world. Spending time with yourself can be a daunting task...conversations with yourself are more prevalent...laughs are ever increasing...things start to get cozy, until you realize a need for sharing or exploring...the world is an obstacle course...but a positive outlook on the course will get you to the end...never an end though.

Question I was asked recently....What is your most important role in life...and my answer was a "learner"...we are constantly growing and learning...the day that you believe you've learned everything...is the day that you have died.

TO SELF:
"Spread Positivity & Be Positive"

RT: "I get teary eyed every time I leave for work and have to say goodbye to my dog."

RT: "had a vision last night....need a reel to reel audio recording machine."

RT: "the sight of clouds in dark skies, so mystical and dreamy."

RT: "outta this world, are you aliennnnnnn.....-Outkast"

RT: "did it.....6.2 miles, but did it help.....no...:-(..."

RT: "six miles.....let's get it.....hopefully this helps."

RT: "I've never been right since New Orleans.....what is love?....let's numb it...soon, I will forget about it."

RT: "I love Al Green"

RT: "going to do yoga by the beach....so excited"

RT: "even when it rains, its beautiful"

RT: "GHOSTBUSTERS!!!!!!"